It’s 7pm and I can feel the urge for something sugary and delicious. I stop everything I’m doing and get into my car and let it take me to my sweet destination. My mouth is literally watering knowing that soon, I will be in sugary heaven.

I pull into the nearest donut shop and hope nobody sees me. What would I say if someone did I thought??

“Oh my boyfriend was really in the mood for a sweet treat…and some of his friends too.” That’s it, my perfect alibi!

So I put in my order happily and was on my way out the door with my bag of goodies. As soon I get into the car I inhale one donut…oh how I love you maple dipped donut! Driving home, I don’t hesitate to inhale another donut. I don’t hesitate because I know there is more. Before getting home I stop off at the nearest convenience store to pick a few chocolates and a bag of chips, you know just to change it up.

It was like I had blinders on, nothing was going to stop me from getting what I wanted. I could quietly hear my inner voice saying “are you sure you really want to do this? You know exactly how it’s going make you feel once you’re done, a huge ass pile of shit! This is not the answer!” I shut that inner voice down real fast and was hypnotized by my sugar fix.

Once I’m home I secretly hide my sweet treasures in a bag and retreat to my room to enjoy my feast.
Every bite I took was bliss but it just wasn’t enough. I started on the next sweet treat but it still wasn’t enough. I could feel my stomach getting full but it still wasn’t enough.

Stuffing my face with sugary treats would never be enough

Once the deed was done I could feel the self hate settling into the pit of my stomach. It was like I was in a trance that had just been lifted

All the raw and painful emotions from my food feast started kicking in….

My stomach was aching from too much food
I could feel my body buzzing from the sugar rush
My stomach was ballooned out like nobody’s business
I freaked at the amount of calories I must have ingested in those 30 minutes!
I am going to have to starve and exercise my butt off to burn this off!
I AM always going to be a slave to food!
I have NO self control
I WILL always be FAT!

I’m back at square one, sitting there with my emotions I didn’t want to deal with in the first place. Sitting there knowing I did this to myself. Why couldn’t I stop myself! This question played over and over in my mind but I had no answer, only shame.

I have been working hard to lose the weight, exercising and eating better. Everything was great for a few weeks and then BAM, it all goes to crap! The overwhelming feeling of letting myself down was sinking in and I felt disgusted with myself. I felt like there is no hope for someone like me and food would always overpower me. I was destined to be fat and a slave to food forever.

Can you relate to this story?

I was a closet eater for many years and thought this dirty little secret would control me forever. It’s almost like part of my mind didn’t want me to be happy. Here’s what a typical conversation with what I like to call my troll brain would sound like:
* (Troll brain is the little troll that sits in the back of your mind trying to sabotage all your effort’s)

Me: Wow I feel amazing after these 2 weeks of eating healthier and training. I want to keep at it and feel this good everyday!

Troll brain: Whooa, wait here just a second now! You’ve been really good these 2 weeks, feel awesome, lost weight, your skin is glowing and your feeling stronger from your workouts. Let’s just stop all that happiness and positivity right now!

Me: It’s OK brain, I am really happy and I feel awesome! I want to continue feeling this way and keep at it!

Troll brain: Uuuum I am not OK with this, this is new territory and I am NOT comfortable! I want to go back to my old ways, it was more comfortable there, I didn’t have to try hard there, I could eat anything I wanted! I don’t like these new rules! How far do you really think you can go? It’s just going to get harder and harder. You’ll give in sooner or later so why bother?

Me: These aren’t rules, just a healthier way of living my life and being happy and energized! I feel like I can accomplish anything! I can totally do this!

Troll brain: Neon flashing sign “STOP THIS”, turn back, treacherous road ahead! What will you do when you’re stressed out or don’t want to deal with your emotions. Food is your security blanket, your go-to, your friend! I hate feeling uncomfortable and put on the spot. I want to bury my emotions in a chocolate cake and call it a day! Stop this madness!

Me: OK, fine you win! You’re right, I probably wasn’t going to get very far anyway. It never works out for me, I always fall off the wagon. Soooo you mentioned chocolate cake??

Little did I know how important shifting my mindset was in my weight loss journey and dealing with my emotions and thinking patterns. It didn’t matter if I was eating the healthiest food, had a healthy lifestyle or the best fitness program. My old habits, beliefs and patterns would creep in like an old
ex-boyfriend. Nothing worked until I made the conscious decision to change my old thinking patterns and habits.

If you’re a closet eater like I was and fed up with the mind games, YOU and only you have the power to change. Let me re-peat that:

ONLY YOU have the power to change your mindset and the choices you make when it comes to food

When you’re ready to make that change for yourself, here a few questions to ask yourself. Sit down in a quit place, really sit there and let the emotions and thoughts flow,

1. What is your why…the REAL why of being a closet eater?

2. What are the excuses you’re using when you give in?

3. Are you busy chasing chaos in your life?

4. What would it mean to give up control?

5. What would be your biggest challenge to end this habit?

Write down your answers on a piece of paper or a journal and make bullets points if you need to. Write down as many answers that you can. If the emotions and feelings get too raw and you need to stop that’s OK. It’s okay to be gentle with yourself when trying to navigate emotional waters.

This is a first step to uncovering your thought patterns and habits when it comes to emotional closet or binge eating. Take in the following quote;

“If you are going to clean the house, you have to see the dirt.” – Louise Hay

I just love that. If you want to uncover food freedom you must first see the “dirt” or old thinking patterns in your mind that create your habits.

Keep writing and uncovering more about old thought patterns and habits you picked up. The more you start to uncover, the closer you will be to food freedom, quieting your brain troll and closing the “closet eating” door for good.

Your friend and strategist,